Today should have been a great day. It started out well enough, anyway. After chatting with my freshly graduated best friend Michelle via Skype, I went on campus to eat lunch before my only Friday class.
I am not sure how it happened, really. Maybe it had something to do with how all of the cute Japanese girls were congregating in groups at their individual lunch tables while I sat alone in the corner. I had dressed up in the outfit I had bought in Osaka, and even though I was looking cute as a button it didn't seem to have any effect on my mood. After all, no one I knew was around to care.
I sat through lunch by myself, my mood plummeting fast. Then, across the shoukudo I spotted Hana. I walked over to her only to find out that Yoonkyung wouldn't be coming to class with me because her two Korean friends were supposed to be arriving in Japan soon. A sudden fear gripped me at the thought of going to class alone, especially since I hadn't completed the reading in time. It was my least favorite class, and probably the hardest one for me to understand. I had no desire to go.
Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I was reminded of how much I miss my family. (Mother's day is on Sunday, and both my brother and my mother's birthdays are next week.)
Hana and I walked around campus, apparently because she was waiting for Yoonkyung and I didn't want to be in the shoukudo anymore. By the time we made one lap around the school I was crying. I honestly had no reason to cry. Yesterday was freakin' fabulous, and the morning went smoothly. I found myself repeatedly saying to Hana that I can't speak Japanese at all and that I miss my family.
For me, I think not being able to speak is absolute torture. I am so used to voicing my opinions and expressing myself. I want to be able to speak fluently and have people understand me. I envy Yoonkyung and Bea for being able to speak two languages fluently and try their hand at a third. Each day in Japan seems like a new blow to my self esteem, and I find myself speaking more English than Japanese on a regular basis.
Hana did her best to comfort me. She even told me in her broken English that: "Jesus is your best friend-- Amerika mo, Nihon mo!" (In both America and Japan.) That girl is so precious. Mid-cry, Maki san happened to walk by and spot us. She came over to make sure I was okay and together the two of them persuaded me to cut Inoue sensei's class. (Okay, not a lot of persuading had to be done, but I did feel incredibly guilty for not going.) Honestly though, I think I would have burst into tears all over again if I went to class so I am glad I decided not to go.
Hana and I walked back to her dorm, which is the same dorm Yoonkyung lives in. We sat in her room for a while until Yoonkyung came by. Shortly after, we went to Yoonkyung's room and I was able to meet her two Korean friends who are visiting on their vacation. Neither one can speak Japanese, but they can both speak pretty good English. It was interesting because they would speak to me in English, to Yoonkyung in Korean, and Yoonkyung would speak to me in Japanese! Confusing, right? Yoonkyung was nice enough to invite me to come with them as she showed her friends around Nara. Having nothing else to do, and still in a surprisingly crappy mood, I agreed. I had fun for the most part, but there were some major downers to our outing:
-I felt like a third (fourth?) wheel
-I had no idea what any of them were saying when they spoke Korean
-I was approached by a strange man who decided to rant to me about how terrible literature and the publishing industry are (in English, no less). First creeper I have met in Japan. I was starting to think there weren't any!
-I got horrible blisters on my pinky toes from wearing flats
-I got a headache, probably from dehydration
-Most, if not all of the places we went I had been to before
-I forgot that I promised to meet a friend of mine to help her with her English. She called me to ask where I was and after that my mood was completely ruined
I felt horrible for forgetting about Kana, so I left a short while later to meet her for dinner. I am really happy Yoonkyung invited me out with her friends, and the two of them were very nice to me, but I felt completely out of place. Out of all the days I have been in Japan, today was the day I have felt the most alone-- for reasons I can't fully explain.
At least with Kana I was able to speak English the whole time. She wanted me to speak English with her since she is applying for a government program soon that will require her to speak it fluently. For someone who has never studied in an English speaking country, her English is really good! Definitely better than my Japanese, anyway. The two of us went out for dinner and talked about everything we could think of. Tomorrow I will go to E.S.S (English Speaking Society) with her in order to help everyone practice. Kana assured me that it wasn't a problem that I had forgotten about our meeting, but to me it was a big deal. This whole day was a giant mess of mistakes and mix-matched emotions.
Although I hate being alone more than anything, right now I just want to curl into a ball on my futon and not talk to anyone. Man, that sounds depressing. Well, even though today was awful, here is a positive thought: it can't get any worse, right?
I am not sure how it happened, really. Maybe it had something to do with how all of the cute Japanese girls were congregating in groups at their individual lunch tables while I sat alone in the corner. I had dressed up in the outfit I had bought in Osaka, and even though I was looking cute as a button it didn't seem to have any effect on my mood. After all, no one I knew was around to care.
I sat through lunch by myself, my mood plummeting fast. Then, across the shoukudo I spotted Hana. I walked over to her only to find out that Yoonkyung wouldn't be coming to class with me because her two Korean friends were supposed to be arriving in Japan soon. A sudden fear gripped me at the thought of going to class alone, especially since I hadn't completed the reading in time. It was my least favorite class, and probably the hardest one for me to understand. I had no desire to go.
Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I was reminded of how much I miss my family. (Mother's day is on Sunday, and both my brother and my mother's birthdays are next week.)
Hana and I walked around campus, apparently because she was waiting for Yoonkyung and I didn't want to be in the shoukudo anymore. By the time we made one lap around the school I was crying. I honestly had no reason to cry. Yesterday was freakin' fabulous, and the morning went smoothly. I found myself repeatedly saying to Hana that I can't speak Japanese at all and that I miss my family.
For me, I think not being able to speak is absolute torture. I am so used to voicing my opinions and expressing myself. I want to be able to speak fluently and have people understand me. I envy Yoonkyung and Bea for being able to speak two languages fluently and try their hand at a third. Each day in Japan seems like a new blow to my self esteem, and I find myself speaking more English than Japanese on a regular basis.
Hana did her best to comfort me. She even told me in her broken English that: "Jesus is your best friend-- Amerika mo, Nihon mo!" (In both America and Japan.) That girl is so precious. Mid-cry, Maki san happened to walk by and spot us. She came over to make sure I was okay and together the two of them persuaded me to cut Inoue sensei's class. (Okay, not a lot of persuading had to be done, but I did feel incredibly guilty for not going.) Honestly though, I think I would have burst into tears all over again if I went to class so I am glad I decided not to go.
Hana and I walked back to her dorm, which is the same dorm Yoonkyung lives in. We sat in her room for a while until Yoonkyung came by. Shortly after, we went to Yoonkyung's room and I was able to meet her two Korean friends who are visiting on their vacation. Neither one can speak Japanese, but they can both speak pretty good English. It was interesting because they would speak to me in English, to Yoonkyung in Korean, and Yoonkyung would speak to me in Japanese! Confusing, right? Yoonkyung was nice enough to invite me to come with them as she showed her friends around Nara. Having nothing else to do, and still in a surprisingly crappy mood, I agreed. I had fun for the most part, but there were some major downers to our outing:
-I felt like a third (fourth?) wheel
-I had no idea what any of them were saying when they spoke Korean
-I was approached by a strange man who decided to rant to me about how terrible literature and the publishing industry are (in English, no less). First creeper I have met in Japan. I was starting to think there weren't any!
-I got horrible blisters on my pinky toes from wearing flats
-I got a headache, probably from dehydration
-Most, if not all of the places we went I had been to before
-I forgot that I promised to meet a friend of mine to help her with her English. She called me to ask where I was and after that my mood was completely ruined
I felt horrible for forgetting about Kana, so I left a short while later to meet her for dinner. I am really happy Yoonkyung invited me out with her friends, and the two of them were very nice to me, but I felt completely out of place. Out of all the days I have been in Japan, today was the day I have felt the most alone-- for reasons I can't fully explain.
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| Fed the deer again today. Notice the cute outfit |
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| Dinner with Kana |
At least with Kana I was able to speak English the whole time. She wanted me to speak English with her since she is applying for a government program soon that will require her to speak it fluently. For someone who has never studied in an English speaking country, her English is really good! Definitely better than my Japanese, anyway. The two of us went out for dinner and talked about everything we could think of. Tomorrow I will go to E.S.S (English Speaking Society) with her in order to help everyone practice. Kana assured me that it wasn't a problem that I had forgotten about our meeting, but to me it was a big deal. This whole day was a giant mess of mistakes and mix-matched emotions.
Although I hate being alone more than anything, right now I just want to curl into a ball on my futon and not talk to anyone. Man, that sounds depressing. Well, even though today was awful, here is a positive thought: it can't get any worse, right?
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