05.28.11 Sudden Drop

I hit that metaphorical sudden drop in the roller coaster ride today.

It wasn't the rain, although I am sure people might blame it on that. Soccer practice was cancelled, so I went out to buy some things that I needed for my room, and some not-so-needed things, such as Sentokun and Mantokun postcards to send to my friends back home. Sentokun and Mantokun are two of Nara's famous mascots.



Sentokun



Mantokun

 Since I had nothing else to do until the evening, I searched the web and finally found a website that allows me to watch movies for free. Of course, I had to watch Aladdin so I could get my Disney fix.

In the evening there was a large get-together in Yoonkyung's dorm. There were eight of us all together: Yoonkyung, Hana, Bea, Melanie, Rafael, Masami, Asuka (another mutual Japanese friend), and myself.

I can't really explain exactly why I was on the verge of tears the entire night. Homesickness isn't a good enough reason. Neither is my broken pride. I am tired of trying to explain myself, and I am tired of going through this vicious cycle. I don't want to be the odd person out-- the one stranger in a crowd. The food was great-- absolutely delicious, actually. Everyone made something-- except for me. I brought drinks instead. Add 'cooking' to the list of things I can't do. I practically died of happiness when Melanie passed out some traditionally American candies like Snickers and Twix. We even played Mafia, a game that I love back in the United States, but when I was asked to be the storyteller, I absolutely froze. Of course, everyone said it would be okay for me to speak in English, but all I felt was an intense shame and embarrassment. In that moment all I wanted was to leave the room and cry in a corner somewhere, but that would have been even more pathetic so I shoved the job onto Hana.

Masami and Hana

Rafael and Melanie

Bea, Yoonkyung, Asuka, and Rafael

Why is it that whenever I am in a group of people I freeze up? This isn't who I am at all.

Maybe that's why I am so upset. No one here has seen the real me. The fun, sociable, always-talkative Corrinne who loves making jokes and going out. I feel that my friends in the States know they can always come to me to talk about their problems, but here, I can't do anything for my friends. I can't laugh at jokes. I can't contribute in conversations. God, I really do sound pathetic.

Forget sudden drop. This roller coaster has derailed and is headed straight off a cliff. If I were to make a comparison to how home sick I am now to how I have felt in the past, it would be like comparing cancer to a common day cold. I have never wanted to be home more than right now. I tried to get through writing this post without crying. Add that to the list of things I can't do, too.